Perspective Objective: Learning to See Myself Through Someone Else’s Eyes

Do you have an experience that serves as a marker in your own leadership or professional journey? I’m guessing you probably have several. One scenario in particular stands out to me as a memorable moment when I started putting leadership theory into practice.

Surprised by Differing Points of View

I was working with a friend (let’s call her Jane) on a non-professional project. This was the first time we had worked together in this capacity, even though we had known each other for a while. As we got started there were a couple of small miscommunications, but nothing we couldn’t quickly solve. From my perspective, we were off to a great start.

A few weeks into the project we ran into each other unexpectedly. Catching up, it became increasingly clear Jane was unhappy and had been keeping these feelings bottled up for some time. She was irritated at how we were working together. From her perspective, I wasn’t following through on my commitments and was wishy-washy with my opinions. Shocked at this outburst, my first reaction was just to stare blankly at her.

I quickly began to process her words and my shock turned to frustration and anger. I was feeling self-protective, and I found myself attempting to rationalize and justify my actions. My instinct was to prove that not only was I right, but I had actually done nothing wrong.

Thankfully, I am familiar with the feelings of an emotional hijack, and I quickly recognized what was happening. I knew I had a choice—act in self-defense…or use some self-management skills to get my initial emotions under control. That moment really wasn’t the appropriate time or place to have a confrontation. The room was crowded, and I’m sure there were several eavesdroppers very intrigued by our conversation. I took a consciously deep breath, thanked her for her honesty, and asked if I could give her a call later that day. She agreed, and I spent the next few hours thinking through what had gone wrong.

The Value of Self-Analysis

My professional training on personality and emotional intelligence kicked in after some reflection. I asked myself an important question: what was really going on underneath the accusation?

I jotted down a list of clarifying questions, and when we reengaged in the conversation I quickly saw Jane’s frustration wasn’t about my motivation or intent. Her frustration was coming from our having different perspectives. Her perception was that I was wishy-washy and noncommittal. When she gave me specific examples, I realized that I thought I was being a team player in those situations, leaving plenty of room for her to express her thoughts and opinions. My training in the Birkman Method personality assessment, however, showed me I was actually demonstrating low assertiveness in my leadership—being more suggestive in my approach. What Jane actually needed was for me to be direct and straightforward.

My style, or “usual behavior” as Birkman calls it, was frustrating her. This realization brought me so much freedom, along with mutual understanding from our conversation.

Making Things Right

I can modify my behavior if it’s what the other person truly needs. Making modifications to benefit Jane as we moved forward took me way outside of my comfort zone at times. I had to hold myself accountable for making intentional choices, and it was doable. Not only did my acknowledgment and respect of her perspective lead to a successful result at the end of the project—it showed Jane her feelings and concerns were heard and valued.

The misunderstandings we face in our day-to-day lives are usually rooted in differing perspectives and needs. I didn’t handle that situation perfectly. I often had to ask for forgiveness. However, my conscious combination of self-management, asking good questions, and a little humility led us to success.

It’s really a simple story, and an example of situations we all face each day. We can manage our reactions to obtain more positive results in our relationships with the proper tools and intent. If you’re interested in adding to your leadership toolbox, I invite you to join us at our flagship program, the Milestone Leadership Intensive. Now available in a virtual format, we give leaders worth following the kinds of insights about themselves that can have a transformative effect on their careers. Click here to learn more, or call us at 866.752.7180.

Written by: Stephanie Brown, Operations Manager, Milestone Leadership